WARNING!

This newspaper is a time machine, locked in around the time of two World Wars, one World Cup and a lost age when it was permissible to poke fun at Germans.

Not that we don't love them - we do. Not that we don't admire them - they are an amazing people. Not that they don't brew the best beer in the world.

They don't. In the COSMOS!

But let's face it. They live in a land often more boring than a caravan site in winter. Their government is made up of grey drones, their civil service run by RoboCops, their upper-classes obsessed with parking their money in Switzerland, their TV thrillers are as tense as Boris Becker's oldest jockstrap and their contribution to pop limited to Nena and the Boehse Onkelz.

Their restaurant service is appalling, their car driving manners reprehensible, their sense of humour ... well, have a look at their carnivals ... What more do you need to know.

But we're on a mission at the GH - to get the komatose, komplacent, dis-kontented Krauts to lighten up and laugh along with a Brit-centric take on Germany.

We hope you'll laugh with us in preference to the spine-crushing tedium of the FAZ, if that is your particular brand of masochism.

We aim to blow the Local yokels out of the media Freibad with stories brighter than Lady Ga Ga's lipstick; we aim to crack the mirror of Spiegel with tales from both the light and dark side, while avoiding the boring (because, hey, like we said, there's already enough of that in Germany. And in Spiegel.)

You want whacko - we got it. You want opinions – we got opinions rawer than a steak tartare. You want info – we have it: quicker, cheaper and more understandable than a Deutsche Bahn timetable.

The German Herald. Everything you thought you didn't want in a newspaper.

But we know you'll like it.

Bleach Poisoner Killed Mum
A son who poisoned his disabled mother with bleach and left her to die in agony has been jailed for life in Memmingen, Germany.

Sock Sniffer Pervert
An alleged pervert that had been pulling off children's shoes in a local park and sniffing their socks before running off has gone on trial in the Bavarian capital Munich.

Crackling Fire
More than 2,000 pigs burned alive when their sty caught fire at a farm in Westhausen, Germany say firefighters, who are investigating an electrical fault.

Dust Boot
Thirty luxury yachts and motor cruisers worth more than 1 million GBP burned to ashes when a blaze swept through a dry dock in Moorfleet, Germany, after an electrical fault sparked a fuel fire, say police.

Youre Barred
A man accused of eating a muesli bar in a shop without paying is facing six months in jail for armed robbery - because he has a Swiss Army penknife in his pocket.

Flat Out
Tired lorry driver Jaropełk Kowalski, 28, was left running on empty when he pulled into a German service station to have a nap - and thieves broke into his vehicle to make off with the entire load of 60 flatscreen TVs worth over 25,000 pounds.

Exam Dopes
Student vets are most likely to turn to performance-enhancing substances to get them through exams, a new study on the use of prescription drugs at universities has revealed.

Jumping Jack Flush
A pair of lip-shaped loos in a Rolling Stones museum have been ruled pout of order by women's rights campaigners who have branded them "sexist."

Lapshopped
Pervert Michael Schmidt, 33, was arrested as he viewed sickening child porn on his laptop computer on a tube train in Nuremberg, Germany, after the train driver spotted him in his mirror an radioed ahead to alert police at the next station.

Bogey Man
Phone pest Markus Hofer, 27, is accused of making nuisance calls to the emergency services after he dialed 999 to demand paramedics remove a bogey from his nose in Nohfelden, Germany. Prosecutors say Hofer has a long history of making crank emergency calls.